Life Partner

Click here to read in Gujarati
Marriage is not only a social custom but a culture also. Most of the human societies, all over the world, agree unanimously that the persons reaching the matured age must marry. This ‘must’ is very tuff to be fulfilled as the mate selection is a very difficult task in the life of a person. Socrates has said, “My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you will be happy; if not, you’ll become a Philosopher.” This quote is subjective and satiric also as the credit to make Socrates a Philosopher goes to his former wife who was most probably quarrelsome; but the latter, named Xanthippe, was a noble lady. Any way, the youngsters, both male and female, have the equal right to select an ideal spouse for him/her and anyone of them need not be a Philosopher!

Marriage is one of the most important relationships in human life. Moreover, it is also important who arranges the marriage whether person itself or someone else like parents or friends. Marriage may be either self decided or externally supported; but before getting married, both the persons should know each other very well. Marriage is a very sensitive and serious issue. It is a bond between two persons loving each other. These are two persons who decide to become one, unite with their love, start a family together and spend the rest of their lives with each other. Marriage is a commitment and it has also a great impact on life, career and personality of both the persons.

Now before we proceed further, let us discuss the role of parents into the process of the marriage in brief. Here, a question may arise whether the parents should decide the marriage or it may be left to their offspring. Most of the people will go positive in favor of the parents with their genuine arguments that they are more experienced and well-established in the society. They understand the people and also their children better. Being the parents, they always wish the best of their children. There is no risk to rely on goodwill and wisdom of the parents. Being matured in dealing with social affairs, they will not make a hurried and emotional decision (as found in Love Marriages) which might become a cause of regret in future.

To make a married life successful, both husband and wife have to learn to accept each other’s faults and differences. Any of them should not try to bring the other in one’s own mould. To marry is easy, but to maintain the marriage is difficult. Relationship between husband and wife is very delicate. Marriage is such as we may bring the horse to water, but we cannot force the horse to drink it. Marriage may join two strangers together, but ‘to make a married life healthy, growing and lasting’ is purely and jointly dependent on understanding of both husband and wife.

Psychologists & Sociologists have developed several theories which deal with mate selection. These theories mainly suggest the factors that govern an individual’s choice for a mate, consciously or unconsciously. There may be a great number of theories for a mate selection, but some are common and popular in the various societies. They are as follows:

(1) The most of the individuals give priority to such a spouse who may be of one’s own religion and caste (particularly in oriental countries) and never go out of their circle either by their own will or parents’ insistence. Here the social and economical status of the spouse is also taken into consideration. In their view, any imbalances in the moderate criteria become the causes of the failure of the marriage and; suppose that if it does not end into the separation, it is surely to pass through dissatisfactions of both; and they might have to face many problems in future, particularly in bringing up their offspring lovingly and properly.

(2) This theory is quite contradictory to the first. Here, no emphasis is given to the caste, creed or religion of the person. The individual selects a mate who may be a co-worker or a class-mate or living in same area or locality for a long time. They come into constant contact and become familiar of each other. Their attraction towards each other results into the marriage. Thus, in this theory, the environment plays a very important role. Their daily meetings develop a kind of attraction which may influence upon their decision of a mate selection.

(3) It is known as the complementary need for one’s own personality, profession, hobby, financial standing, physical deficiency etc.. In other words, we may say that the person chooses such a mate who may fill out the weaknesses or drawbacks of one’s own personality and/or expectations.

(4) This is the Parental Image theory. A child since its birth to maturity remains under the influence of the parents. But, it is generally observed that the daughter is attracted towards father and son towards mother. Thus the parent of the opposite sex becomes the mentor of the child. The girl wishes to marry a man who has similar traits of her father and the man likes to marry a woman who has similar traits of his mother. This type of tendency develops in a natural way either consciously or unconsciously.

The above theories have been worked out by some learned people, but those have no concern with our practical life. Our life is not such a laboratory where we may undergo any experiments, make comparisons, do studies or get findings to solve our prime issue of a mate selection. Some religion-leaned people believe that the prospective Life Partner is decided at heaven. We should not criticize them; but apart from their beliefs, we should think out some practical approaches to lighten the task of the mate selection.

Here below, I would like to give you some hints in a typical style for what precautions and measures should be observed to capture the castle of proper selection of a life partner. Let me be clear here with the disclaimer that these are simply the guide-lines and not any rigid rules and regulations. Secondly, the views and ideas are applicable to the Arranged Marriages only and the persons involved in love affairs and desirous going to Love Marriage are free from observing any norms. I remind you my words ‘a typical style’ in this para above and hope you will not expect any interpretation from my end. Some supportive quotes and narrations for my counseling will be there and you may go through them and pick out some HIDDEN HINTS to select a life partner wisely and successfully; and make a married life peaceful and happy. Please, proceed on:

(a) “A wise bird will not be the prisoner even if the net might have been knitted with the silk threads.”(A Persian verse)

(b) “Why should we care which side of our bread is buttered on when we eat both sides anyway.” (Unknown source)

(c) “A volley of questions may arise in our mind, but we should sort out some important only and try to find out their answers.” (Author)

(d) “Never marry anyone you could not sit next  to during a three-day bus trip.” (A funny quote from unknown source)

(e) “Person, in selecting the spouse, is free either to follow one’s inner voice and rebel against parents and society or give in before them.” (Author)

(f) “To use own best  judgments over any issue.” is wisdom. (Author)

(g) “Divorce – Legal, but undesirable” (Author’s Blog post of May 27, 2007). Isn’t it cute to harness a bull behind a cart i.e. divorce before marriage? But, it is just like ‘Prevention is better than cure.’ Please, do read if you might have missed.

(h) “No life without wife” is true; but “A bad wife is a good knife to cut a married life easily” is equally true. Remember that ‘a bad husband’ also may become ‘a bigger knife’ to finish all within no time. (Author)

(i) “To wear an artificial smile on face” is an art and any unsuccessful spouse in married life has to perform it willingly or unwillingly.” (Author)

(j) “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” (Alfred Hitchcock); but, it may be read as “Life is a drama without the dull bits cut out!”(Author)

(k) “Between husband and wife, there should be no secrets from one another. I have a very high opinion of the marriage tie. I hold that husband and wife merge in each other. They are one in two or two in one.” (Gandhiji)

(l) “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but looking in the same direction together.” (Antonne de Saint-Exupery)

(m) “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the person you think you can’t live without.” (Dr. James C. Dobson)

(N) “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” (Mignon McLaughlin)

(o) “Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal.” (Louis K. Anspacher)

(p) “Relationships, marriages are ruined where one person continues to learn, develop and grow and the other person stands still.” (Catherine Pulsifer)

(q) “The trouble with wedlock is that there’s not enough wed and too much lock.”
(Christopher Morley)

I would like to bid you good-bye, meanwhile, leaving you to dive in the depth of hidden thoughts in above quotes and narrations.

– Valibhai Musa

Dtd. 9th February, 2008

 

My Haikus – III (મારાં હાઈકુ – ૩)

Click here to read in Gujarati
In my previous blog Posts on Haikus, I have much more said about the physical structure and its characteristics. Now, just to make a long story short, I’ll represent still two more Haikus in Gujarati. In this Blog post, I have translated my Gujarati Haikus in English with my own criticism for my English Readers. But, before to proceed further, I am little bit tempted to represent an English Haiku which has attracted me a great. Let us be its co-sharer to enjoy.

Jonas-Lichtenwallner writes:

“when crows came

from somewhere, fogs

began to talk.”

Now, go to my two Gujarati Haikus as follows:

ભૂલકું તાકે

ટોયગને નિશાન

ગાંધીછબિએ ! (૨૬)

Innocent child

pointing toy-gun to

Gandhi’s photo ! (26)

(Here is the biting irony in presentation of this Haiku. It’s a queer world ! The great prophet-like personality was shot dead with a real pistol and bullets. Can we equate that cruel deed with a child game? Certainly, not !!! A super human fought for the mission of Non-violence throughout his life and tragically became the victim of violence like Abraham Lincoln. T. S. Eliot (A Noble Prize Winner) has rightly written in his book on poetry “Four Quartets” in “Burnt Norton” that human kind cannot bear very much reality.)

ઈશુછબિને

ટીંગી દિવાલે, હાય !

ઠોકી ખીલા રે ! (૨૭)

Jesus’ photo

put up on wall, oh !

being nailed ! (27)

(Here also is one more tragedy of human life that the people failed to recognize Jesus. He was crucified by torture with nails, wounds and thorny crown. About two millenniums passed and the cruelty towards Jesus is still alive in the hearts of the followers. His merciful last words – “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” will continue echoing into the universe till the Day of Judgment. The photo of Jesus is being hanged on the wall with nails. There is the satire in this Hykoo as if human kind is not satisfied with nailing to Jesus and still the photo of him is nailed. No doubt, the intention behind putting up the photo of Jesus on the wall is bonafide for remembrance of him; but nailing to photo frame reminds us that tragic day of shame to human kind.)

That’s all.

Gujarati Haikus written and translated by :-

– Valibhai Musa
Dtd.: 19^th November, 2007

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International Non-violence Day

Click here to read in Gujarati. 

Today is the 2^nd October, the 138^th Birth Anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi, a super human of the era. He was born on this day in 1869. After six decades of his martyrdom, the world has now realized the value of Ghandhian philosophy and particularly his thoughts on Non-violence especially when the world is passing through the threats of terrorism and many more alike –isms. The UNO has rightly declared this day as the International Non-violence Day and it is really the greatest tribute to him. 

Let us remember his words as “The world is weary of hate. We see the fatigue overcoming the Western nations. We see that this song of hate has not benefited humanity. Let it be the privilege of India to turn a new leaf and set a lesson to the world.” How appropriate his words are in the prevailing situation and circumstances of the world! He had compared the world as the human body. The pain in any organ is bound to be felt in the whole body. His words were like the divine words but he was so humble and honest that he never claimed to be a prophet or a philosopher. 

On this day, the medias of the world have said much more about Mahatma Gandhi. My attempt to touch the heavy subject may seem to be weightless to my Readers; and that I know because I am restricted to the size of the Article. In spite of my limitations, I would like to discuss the only subject of Non-violence with some other quotes in support of the same. 

The Prophet of Islam (SAW) in a Hadith said, “Human blood is sacred and in any case it cannot be spilled without justification. And if anyone violates this sanctity of human blood by killing a soul without justification, the Holy Quran equates it to the killing of entire mankind.” There are many forms of violence, but they can be divided in two categories; physical and mental. The violence can be done by tongue also. If anybody’s feelings are hurt by your speech, that also can be named as the violence. Peer Mashayakh Rehmatullah, in one of his verses, has written “A true Believer cannot hurt anybody using own hand or tongue.” He further narrates; “To write an unfair letter to hurt the feelings of the addressee is the double sin” He explains that while using this weapon of unfair writing, the writer uses his hand and tongue also. The tongue in the sense that the reader while reading feels that he is hearing the speech of the writer. 

Electronic and print material is like a speech and any imbalance, from the side of the orator or author, may bring man-made disasters to the world. Only the celebration of this day cannot make the world peaceful, but many more precautions and self disciplines are also necessary for result orientation. Wherever any sensitive issue in the world arises, it becomes the prime and pious duty of media not to encourage the people towards violence. It is the established ethical truth that bigotry and hatred are inhuman and unjustified.

Just to prevent the mass violence, it should be noted that the actions of an individual or a small group do not necessarily represent the beliefs of a particular religion, nor is that religion is responsible for such actions. The media’s labeling such unfair events as Islamic, Christian, Judaist or Hindus is incorrect. Media should try to discourage the mass mind going towards the path of violence and encourage them to be initiative to support the authorities to bring peace and order. The people should be counseled by highlighting the ideology that there is neither bravery nor sacrifice in destroying life or property for any cause of either offence or defense. 

To walk on the way of Non-violence is rather difficult and perhaps the result may be disappointing. Gandhiji has explained this issue in his words as “My faith is as strong as ever. There is no hope for the aching world except through the narrow and straight path of Non-violence. Millions like me may fail to prove the truth in their lives; that would be their failure, never of the eternal law.” 

Gandhiji didn’t leave any subject untouched related to human life. The scholars and even the common people can have what they may need from the volumes of “Gandhiji – no – Akshardeh”- not only his entire work of literature, but also his whole creative and active life. The Readers will be surprised to know that within the normal human life generally people live, he had done a lot for the welfare of the human kind. He was an open minded man and also a revolutionary activist fighting against unfair practices of the society with the means of Non-violence and Truth. What he thought, what he said and what he did were always in harmony. 

Summing up, I join you with me to give our sincere but meaningful tribute to Mahatma Gandhi, not only in words but also in action by trying to walk on the path of humanity he pointed to the world. 

May God bless us to fill our hearts with love to develop global humanity. 

With best regards,
– Valibhai Musa
Dtd: 2^nd October, 2007